Welcome to the fourth installment of the WWE RAW Rundown! I’ll give you guys a unique take on Monday’s shenanigans in the world of WWE and their anti-logic. I’ll run down the matches, important plot points and anything else that begs to be said. RAW #1000 is dead and buried, now let’s see what the “W” has in store for us going forward.
Howdy, dames and gents! When we last left you, we were balls deep in the one-thousandth episode of WWE Monday Night RAW. There was the wedding that never happened, making way for the naming of AJ Lee as the new General Manager of WWE’s flagship show. We witnessed altercations between Brock Lesnar and Triple H. Speaking of Triple H, we also saw the reunion of Degeneration X. There was the crowning of a new Intercontinental Champion in The Miz. Finally we closed out the show with a dusty finish, as the Big Show interfered in the WWE Championship match between John Cena and CM Punk. Cena won the match by Show’s interference, however the title doesn’t change hands by DQ or countout, Punk retained. The Rock ran down to make the save as Show decimated John Cena, and CM Punk hit the G.T.S on Rocky to close out the show.
There were many questions left to be answered after last Monday. Let us all see what, if any, are answered!
RAR opens tonight with the news that a pyro mishap before the show caught a piece of the stage structure on fire, forcing the fans out of the arena for a bit. Way to go guys. You have one job and one job only, and you screw that up by lighting crap on fire. Then again, maybe that’s just Jebus’ way of showing us that you can’t tame natural elements? In any event, the show ACTUALLY starts with the entrance of WWE Champion, CM Punk!
Punk begins by speaking about “WrestleMania moments”, everyone strives to have one. Last week he had a “RAW moment”, bigger than most peoples’ WrestleMania moments. He shifts gears, going after Jerry Lawler and his comments as the show went off air “CM Punk has turned his back on the WWE Universe”. Punk takes a comfortable seat indian-style on the broadcast desk with his junk all up in Lawler’s face.
Punk goes on to make excellent points about how The Rock is not the WWE Universe. He continues by pointing out Rocky’s disrespect of him during a promo with Daniel Bryan. The champ goes on further mentioning that “Dwayne” does what he does best, at the end of the night by trying to steal the show, steal the spotlight and that was when he (Punk) did what he did. He made sure that at the end of the night, RAW 1000 ended the same way that every RAW should go off the air, with the spotlight on the WWE Champion.
Out comes the Big Show who points out that if it weren’t for him, John Cena was primed to beat Punk and take the WWE Championship away from him. So the spotlight was kind of about Big Show himself. He’s also the reason that John Cena was the first person to ever cash in Money in the Bank unsuccessfully. Apparently because of his actions, he feels like he should be next in line for a shot at the WWE Championship. This brings out Cena who goes to blows with Big Show (while Punk watches off to the side).
Show bails from the ring as new RAW GM AJ’s music hits. She makes her first main event as GM John Cena versus Big Show, with the winner getting a title match at SummerSlam against champion CM Punk.
Daniel Bryan walks up to the door for AJ to knock, but sighs and walks away. I mean, she was just spotted out on the stage, but sure. Let’s pretend she is on the other side of the door.
Hey, it only took nearly a half an hour, but we finally have our first match!
Match No. One:
US Champion Santino Marella versus Alberto Del Rio
Before the match starts, we get the explanation that ADR is walking to the ring the conventional way because the fire forced them to leave the car out of the arena. You know, that or the 500 million dollars that the McMahon’s just lost on WWE’s stock. Yeah, let’s just stick with the fire story.
Surprisingly, they give the match nearly ten minutes, which is devoted to some solid Santino offense, and a lot of Del Rio aggressiveness. Also some camera time for Marella’s newborn mullet. The problem here is that a good half of the match was missed due to commercial time. We come back to see Alberto Del Rio hammering away at the “Milan miracle”. Santino connect with a few punches before doing the splits to avoid a clothesline and, like a moron, wait to get kicked. Del Rio climbs to the second rope and misses the attack allowing for Marella to pull out the cobra sock shoved in his tights (eww). Santino goes for the Cobra but takes a kick to the stomach followed by going shoulder-first into the turnbuckle post. Del Rio drops Santino with an arm-breaker and then the arm bar submission to end the match.
After the bell, Alberto Del Rio takes the mic and states that Santino Marella, Sheamus and all of the fans in attendance are beneath him. He also says that unless it is a match for the World Heavyweight Championship, he will not be competing. So he’s going to keep himself out of action until SummerSlam. Well… thanks!
Daniel Bryan walks up to the GM door again to knock, but still cant pull the trigger. Poor guy.
Back from commercial to butts on my screen. Of course they belong to Brodus Clay’s dancers as he gets the jobber entrance. Buzzkill almost immediately as Vickie Guerrero comes out and tries to out-dance the ladies. In a moment that I will just call the savior of my eyes, Damien Sandow interrupts to show the footage last week of him being assaulted by DX last week. As the clip ends, Sandow notices Clay laughing about the video and goes on the attack, pummeling him in those badass pink trunks and purple knee pads. The “intellectual savior” celebrates in the ring after the brawl.
Cut to recap two weeks ago when Jericho attacked attacked Dolph Ziggler on RAW after being called out for losing the majority of his recent matches. Then cut to last Friday on Smackdown where Ziggler feigned cashing in his Money in the Bank briefcase on Sheamus after a match. As he went to leave the ring, Jericho (wearing Ziggles’ shirt) throws Ziggler back into the ring to be immediately Brogue kicked by Sheamus. Chris Jericho runs in and lays out Ziggler once more with the codebreaker. Why do we see this? Tonight we have a tag match between Dolph Ziggler and The Miz, facing Christian and Chris Jericho. Just like that… Jericho is a face. Huh?
Another commercial break comes and goes, and we have Daniel Bryan unwilling to be a pansy any longer. He walks into the GM’s room and confronts her about standing him up at the altar last week. AJ goes all assertive and tells D-Bry to shut up, calling him out about guys in white suits backstage last week. She believes that Daniel was only trying to marry her to have her legally committed. Of course he denies it all, but AJ isn’t about holding grudges, oh no she is about clean slates. That is why tonight a match is made featuring Daniel Bryan against Sheamus.
(Time for more recaps!)
We go to a recap from last week and the altercation between Triple H, Paul Heyman, Stephanie McMahon and Brock Lesnar. After that, we get the official match announcement of Brock versus H at SummerSlam. These are things we already knew, didn’t we? Didn’t last week clear that up?
Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler reveal to the WWE Universe that they have the ability to select the match that Sheamus and Daniel Bryan will face in. For the record, the options were:
No Holds Barred: No count outs, no disqualifications, no real rules.
Falls Count Anywhere: No count outs, no disqualifications, no real rules.
Street Fight: No count outs, no disqualifications, no real rules.
No, you didn’t read the same sentence three times. You read three sentences that were all pretty much the same thing. So to end this rant: the WWE is allowing the fans to vote on what match they wish to see, except that they really are giving the fans ONE match, three different names. Oh you wacky WWE! I see what you did there.
Before the match starts we get a recap of last week’s RAW where he Daniel Bryan is stood up at the altar, while D-Bry comes to the ring seething. Next Sheamus comes out, with another recap clip of a month ago, when Alberto Del Rio smashed his skull between the engine block and hood of his car. Jerry Lawler reveals that the name of the match the fans have chosen was:
Match No. Two: Street Fight
World Heayweight Champion Sheamus versus Daniel Bryan
The two men start in the ring, as Bryan’s aggressiveness allows him an early advantage. However the match quickly spills outside the ring, and D-Bry dropkicks Sheamus off the stage to the arena floor. Don’t be alarmed, despite Sheamus pretending to have hurt his ankle, the stage is much lower to the ground, so the fall looks pretty weak.
Returning from break, the match has made its way back into the ring as Sheamus fights to retake control, but the ankle injury holds him back. Daniel Bryan sends the Great White back out of the ring and flies after him, but Sheamus catches and throws him back behind him into the barricade. The World Champion suplexes Daniel Bryan onto the arena floor before pulling out a chair and kendo stick from under the ring. I tend to think that’s an awkward place to put a kendo stick, but that is just me. Bryan gets a hold of the stick and lays into the champion a total of eleven times before he grabs the chair and pries it between the second and third turnbuckles. Sheamus manages to get brief advantage back, before Bryan dropkicks the Irish-born superstar into the chair head-first.
Back outside the ring Sheamus tries to end Daniel Bryan by powerslamming him onto the steel steps, but no-go as Bryan drives him shoulder-first into the steel turnbuckle post. Once more in the ring, the two have a tug-o-war over the kendo stick before Sheamus reverses and goes for “White Noise” (only the twelfth-worst move name in the WWE). Daniel Bryan slip out and whips Sheamus to the ropes, but gets leveled with the Brogue Kick, giving Sheamus the win.
Before commercial we get a sample sized recap of CM Punk’s RAW-opening promo, focusing on his comments involving The Rock.
I am laughing at this moment, as we come back to Daniel Bryan squirming in the ring with a mic, calling for a doctor. There are about five or six referees in the ring trying to get him out of the ring and it’s the most drawn-out, ridiculous thing. Take note of the title of this episode, as we are about to go into our… ah hell I’ve lost count… well, it’s another recap of earlier this evening, back to CM Punk and his comments, before Big Show comes out, and then John Cena comes out. If that isn’t enough, AJ then comes out and makes the triple-threat match for tonight.
After the recap shows, Bryan is still screaming in the ring as Kofi Kingston (followed by R-Truth and invisible “Little Jimmy”) is scheduled to compete. Kingston and Truth try to convince D-Bry to leave the ring. R-Truth comments that Little Jimmy is in the corner, next to Truth. Daniel Bryan goes to a knee and pretends to speak to the invisible boy before “punting him” out of the ring. R-Truth freaks out and leaves the ring, and looks to be holding an invisible boy in his arms as he cries out. Bryan berates R-Truth for “consoling an invisible child”.
Cue to white coats who come to the ring and surround R-Truth and Kofi. AJ Lee comes out and corrects the white coats saying that the person they were assigned to go after is Daniel Bryan. She continues by saying that D-Bry seems unhinged and needs a full psychiatric evaluation. The four guys in coats escort him up the ring before a wicked staring contest breaks out between Bryan and AJ. Eventually they all disappear to the back.
We come back from a commercial to the announcement that Vince McMahon will name the new GM of Smackdown on Friday. Following that, we get the first set of Touts of the night. Apparently one week of awful wasn’t enough. Hold on though, it goes from bad to worse as Abraham Washington introduces the Prime Time Players, as Titus O’Neil is scheduled to take on Kofi Kingston. Do people really dance like this? Can people be taken seriously when they dance to the ring like this? Stay tuned to not really get any answers on this.
Match No. Three:
Titus O’Neil versus One-half of the WWE Tag Team Champions Kofi Kingston
Titus begins on a huge streak of dominance as AW makes quite possibly the most tasteless thing I’ve heard in a while “Titus O’Neil is like Kobe in a Colorado hotel room. He can’t be stopped!” Wow. I really have no comment for it other than that, and that may be his last comment ever on WWE TV.
Kofi Kingston breaks free of a powerslam, and uses his quickness and athleticism to get fired up, landing a sequence of moves polished off by the “Boom drop”. In yet another ridiculous moment, AW pulls off his shoe and throws it at Kofi while screaming “yo mamma!” with the referee distracted. Kingston grabs the shoe and throws it at a fleeing AW. The momentary distraction allowed O’Neil to hit a spinebuster for the pinfall victory.
In the back, CM Punk talks to John Cena, laying out the truth about how he feels, saying that he doesn’t regret what he did, challenging anyone else to get in the ring with Big Show, if they feel he should’ve stood up for Cena when Show attacked him. He also says that he doesn’t wish Cena luck, or Big Show because he doesn’t care either way. Punk ends it by saying that he knows Cena is mad because CM Punk did to The Rock in one night what Cena failed to do at WrestleMania.
Do you like recaps, because we’re going to get two in rapid-fire succession. First we get to see what we JUST SAW between Punk and Cena, before cutting to Heath Slater in the ring. Immediately after that, we see last week’s RAW where Lita defeated the “one-man band” with the assistance of the A.P.A and several WWE Legends that had appeared over the last month.
Slater states that now that the WWE Legends are all back at their retirement homes, he can get his career back on track. He proceeds to call out any current WWE superstar and is met by none other than the original Legend Killer, the Viper himself Randy Orton (fresh off a 60-day wellness violation suspension)!
Match No. Four:
Heath Slater versus Randy Orton
The match really is the wrestling definition of feeding the beast, as Orton puts the boots to Slater. Heath really has all of no offense in the match, allowing Randy to hit all his usual spots, his big moves en route to an RKO and the win. The crowd was pretty hot for the match though. So, there’s always that.
We go to a small room backstage somewhere as a doctor is asking Daniel Bryan questions “to get to know him”. Each one elicits a “yes” response out of him, before D-Bry snaps and just starts screaming his famous “yes!” chant over and over. Seriously though, that crap was loud. There was a massive vein in the side of his cranium that was about to burst.
I don’t know if it is truly considered a recap, but for the sake of this, we have a recap/promo spanning the last number of months and the feud between Triple H and Brock Lesnar, highlighting last week’s confrontation and their match coming up at Summer Slam, on August 19th.
Match No. Five:
Chris Jericho/ Christian versus Dolph Ziggler/ The Miz
“Face” Jericho comes out to a pretty strong pop from the forgetful fans who apparently dont remember a month ago when he was fighting uber-face John Cena dirty. Christian comes out as we recap (yay!) the loss last week to The Miz. This brings out The Miz who is stroking the belt a little awkwardly. Lastly Dolph makes his way out with his sunglasses hanging off his trunks. I have no comment.
All four superstars are featured significantly in the early goings, as Ziggler and Christian kick it off and battle for a bit before we switch to The Miz and Jericho, with the heel team controlling things. Momentum shifts as Jericho gains control against Dolph Ziggler. Chris Jericho tosses Ziggler outside the ring with The Miz and Christian hits a high spot, jumping off the top rope onto both Miz and Dolph outside of the ring. Vickie Guerrero’s distraction allows for The Miz (in the match after commercial break) to gain the advantage over Jericho.
Jericho makes the hot tag to Christian who controls Ziggler for much of the middle of the match before a miscue gives the heel team of Ziggler and Miz the one-up on the Intercontinental Champion. The duo exchange tags as they bully and abuse Christian, isolating him from his corner and Christ Jericho.
Ziggler, in a rare blown spot, misses his jumping leg drop on Christian by a country mile. Really, it was ugly. The move itself looked like leap frog. Dolph attempts the move again but has it reversed into a powerbomb. The momentary reversal gives Christian the chance to tag in Jericho who goes to town for a while. The end comes as Jericho dropkicks Ziggler off the apron and Christian hits The Miz, causing him to stumble forward as Jericho hits the Codebreaker to end it.
After the match Dolph smashes Chris Jericho in the back (clearly) with the Money in the Bank briefcase. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler comment that he hit him in the skull, despite numerous replays show the location of the blow.
Meanwhile in the back, Daniel Bryan is being subjected to an ink blot test by the doctor. He shows three pictures that cause little fuss, until the three pictures placed on the table combine to form an ink blot picture of a goat head. Bryan begins to rage, accusing the doctor of being put up to this stunt by Charlie Sheen. It’s now time for commercials.
Brief thought: last week I said that if Daniel Bryan mentioned Charlie Sheen this week, that they really were going to go through with this Bryan/Sheen angle leading up to SummerSlam. It seems as though my suspicion is sadly true.
Back to action with another set of Touts regarding WWE’s question “Who is more stable: AJ Lee or Daniel Bryan”. As that ends, we are in the ring with Tensai on jobber entrance duty before Tyson Kidd comes out.
Match No. Six:
Tensai w/ Sakamoto versus Tyson Kidd
The fans really are dead for the match as Tensai dominates the match early with clubbing blows, rest holds and dirty pool. Kidd comes back, however, with a roll up for a near fall. Kidd climbs the rope and hits a blockbuster for another near fall before Tensai reverses a run into a two-handed chokeslam. He follows the move up with a running senton bomb for the victory.
Post match, Tensai continues to just decimate Kidd. The beating continues for so long that the referee calls to reverse the decision, giving Tyson Kidd the victory by disqualification. As the refs and medical staff surround Kidd’s corpse in the ring, Tensai slaps the crap out of Sakamoto in frustration.
Once more, we are in the back with the Daniel Bryan and his psych evaluation. The aforementioned doctor tells him that he is cranky, irritable, incredibly short-tempered, and has a disturbing obsession with Charlie Sheen. Otherwise, he is perfectly sane. The doc leaves as Kane runs into the room claiming to be Danny boy’s “anger management therapist”. He runs Bryan face-first into the wall as the WWE takes a break to pay some bills. In other news: this is happening, Daniel Bryan versus Kane at SummerSlam with Sheen in Kane’s corner. Ugh! This is going to make me drink.
We are back, and what do you know? It’s time for more recaps. Once more we get the Heyman/Lesnar/Trips/Steph McMahon segment last week. I forget, what happened again? Are they wrestling? Did they go out for tea afterwards? Man, thank Jebus that the WWE replays often enough otherwise I may forget about what color Paul Heyman’s tie is, or that time where Lesnar told H to “f*ck off”.
After that nightmare, we get CM Punk coming to ringside for commentary during this, the WWE RAW Main Event!
Match No. Seven: #1 Contender to WWE Champion
John Cena versus Big Show
Punk and Lawler jaw back and forth as Show and Cena make their entrances. I really, thoroughly enjoy Punk on the mic. There was a period in time a little over a year ago before he came back from injury and helmed the New Nexus, when he was a part of the RAW broadcast booth and he did great.
The match gets underway with a massive duel in “lets go Cena” and “Cena sucks” chants, as Big Show throws his weight around, keeping the pace slow while he tosses Cena from turnbuckle to turnbuckle until John Cena slips out of a big splash. Cena immediately hops onto the big man’s shoulders and locks in a sleeper hold. Show briefly breaks it but finds himself right back in leading to a near-fall as he collapses. Show breaks the pin by throwing Cena clear out of the ring.
We’re back and Cena is trying everything he can to mount an attack, met with a great big seven-foot wall. With all of the destruction Show is causing on Cena, he could have won this, but opts to give entirely too much of his attention to CM Punk at the broadcast table.
Eleven minutes into this match, and I am fairly certain John Cena has all of six moves of offense thus far. The Big Show has thoroughly dominated this match, as a giant of his stature should. I do, however, feel like Cena is nearly Super Saiyan mode.
John Cena powers his way out of a three-minute bearhug with elbows, before failing at a scoop slam that nearly won Show the #1 contender spot. Yep, here comes “super Cena” with a DDT reversal on a chokeslam attempt. Both men scramble to their feet but Show again drops the leader of the CENAtion. Big Show attempts a second rope splash and misses leading to a John Cena shoulder block and back suplex. John Cena has connects with the Five-Knuckle Shuffle (which Show no-sells like a champion), and rather than covering the beast he tries to rile up the crowd. Show catches a clothesline attempt and hits a devastating chokeslam, but Cena rolls out of the ring.
Show takes the fight to him and ends up face-first into the turnbuckle. John Cena tries to capitalize on it, and Big Show instead throws him over the broadcast table and into CM Punk who looks to be significantly hurt. Cena barely makes it back into the ring before the referee hits the count of ten, as Big Show prepares for the WMD knockout punch.
Cena ducks under the punch and lifts Show up for the Attitude Adjustment but CM Punk charges into the ring and throws a right kick, separating the two and ending the match. Big Show gets to his knees only to be on the bad end of a stiff Punk kick to the side of the skull. CM Punk leaves the ring and takes the microphone away from Justin Roberts, re-enters the ring and proclaims “the winner is…nobody. They’re both losers.”
Punk exits and heads up the ramp to a chorus of boos from the Cincinnati crowd. AJ Lee walks out from the back as CM Punk leaves, and announces that both men are winners, and at SummerSlam CM Punk will be defending his WWE Championship against the Big Show, AND John Cena. Punk runs back out furious, demanding AJ Lee to show him respect as WWE Monday Night RAW goes off air.
There you have it good reader, July 30th 2012 is officially behind us as the WWE looks to continue with the story development they began at the 1000th episode last week. All things considered, I think that the show did alright. Wasn’t one of their best nights but by far not awful. It’s going to be a painful process transitioning to the three-hour format and I fear RecapMania may continue running wild for a long time to come. After all, have to fill time somehow, right?
I hope you enjoyed reading this, as I enjoy bringing it to you every week here on comicbooktherapy.com! As always, feel free to leave comments about the show, storylines, segments or anything about WWE business in the comments section below. Come on back next week as the saga continues and I bring you the best (and worst) of RAW on the WWE RAW Rundown!
Source : Images courtesy of WWE.com
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